My Sun
by Tadz
Summary: What will happen to you if your sun was taken away from you? What will you do? Goku experiences losing his only sun the hard way. Losing it from a friend... /Shounen-ai/


My Sun  
  
By: Cimmerian Demogorgon  
  
Notes: Slash, yaoi, whatever you call it. Standard disclaimers apply. (I don't know why I keep on putting these notes when nobody ever reads them.)  
  
***  
  
*Blood dripping down the cold hard floor.  
  
Crimson blood trailing in his arms.  
  
His pale, white face being illuminated by the light of the full moon.  
  
A lifeless, helpless body crashed down the floor.  
  
Closed eyes, still breathing.  
  
A shadow fled, leaving a knife behind. The knife which did the irreparable damage, a few paces away.  
  
Unable to move, eyes wide in horror.  
  
Body abruptly reacting, kneeling down, gathering the body, cradling it in his arms in hopes of warming the cold.  
  
Tears began to stream.  
  
His sun was taken away from him.  
  
His light. his strength. his salvation. gone.  
  
"Iya, iya, iya, iya." words came tumbling, repeating, incoherent.  
  
Tears still flowing. *  
  
(Part 1: Plague)  
  
Goku woke up, opening weary eyes.  
  
'A dream, huh?'  
  
Wet.  
  
Goku touched his obviously tear-stricken face. Strange. It was only a dream and yet, his eyes. brimming with this tears, uncontrollably. It stings. He almost felt the pain when he saw *HIM* lay dead, like it was real.  
  
Although it wasn't.  
  
Tears continue to fall.  
  
Irritatingly, Goku wiped it away roughly. Undecided, he stood up on his feet, walked outside the room of the inn they were staying for the night. He kept his own solitary pace until he saw himself arriving at a small, nonetheless beautiful, lake situated directly below the moon. He sat, slouching, staring endlessly at the pool of water. His empty, golden, heretic eyes mirroring a mist it had created.  
  
A dream. No, more like a presage.  
  
It affected him. So much that he thought he was going to die. Only a dream and it was plaguing him. If he could laugh now, he would. Baka. Goku almost heard Gojyo taunting him. He really is a baka.  
  
The midnight air was warm. It wasn't what Goku had expected it to be. He expected it to be cold, almost bitter.  
  
'Like what I am feeling right now.'  
  
The air, warm and friendly, welcoming him in its embrace. So protective, so caring. Goku unconsciously leaned into its warm caress, wishing that it were the person he was thinking of that was warming him.  
  
It was impossible.  
  
He really is an idiot to actually think that Sanzo would be the one who would console him in his isolation. True, Goku was cheerful, a loudmouth who always craves for food, but, as the saying goes, 'Looks can be Deceiving' it goes true for this demon.  
  
The usually bright eyes were dim, brows furrowed. Did he think that Sanzo is going to feel that way for him? It was flabbergasting, not to mention, positively unattainable. It was, 'dreaming an impossible dream, yet daring to do so'.  
  
It happened so fast that Goku almost stumbled in it. The first thing he knew that he was locked up in this secluded cave, a jail for a supposedly dangerous demon. He had no place to go. No one to look for. No one to have. He didn't notice the calling he made that made this particular person come to him. The 'annoying sound' that Sanzo told him he was emitting. It was bizarre, because when he saw Sanzo for the first time, there was light, he saw light. He saw the sun that would save him and never leave him alone. And Goku thanked Sanzo for that, following him wherever he went and following everything that he said. Goku showed his gratefulness to him by being almost like a servant. But he didn't want to be his servant. He wanted to be a friend. Sanzo's friend. Not merely a companion or follower, but a friend who will be by his side.  
  
Or did he want something more than that?  
  
It would be hasty to think that it would ever happen. Still, Goku was glad that he is always with Sanzo, whatever circumstances it may seem. He was contented, as long as all of them were together.  
  
So why does he feel this way when he know that none of them-especially Sanzo-would leave him? Die or whatever, no one will die. They have lived this far and Goku knows that they would survive.  
  
Goku sighed. He was being too emotional. And it was unlike him.  
  
After that thought, his mind was empty. A void that separated himself from the world. Goku wasn't thinking anything, though his eyes showed more than he is thinking of.  
  
The air became colder, much to his dismay. Now he felt that the world tumbled around him, the cause of the dream. Why it bothered him so much was what he wanted to know. He asked himself again and again, forcing himself to come up with an answer. Unfortunately, none came.  
  
Dawn was fast approaching and Goku knew that Hakkai would be up soon, arranging the things that they would need for their trip. For once, he cursed Hakkai for being so responsible. He needed more time to recollect himself and Goku knew that he couldn't do that with all the people around.  
  
'Guess it'll just have to wait,'  
  
Goku stood up and returned to the village, returning inside the inn at once, careful not to be noticed by anyone. He lied down the bed and closed uncertain eyes.  
  
Goku hoped that the dream would not come back.  
  
(Part 2: Journey)  
  
As expected, Hakkai woke up early. It was purely coincidental that he missed Goku by a second.  
  
Morning came so fast, next thing that Goku knew that he was being dragged off the bed by Gojyo. He opened his eyes, trying to remember if anything happened in his sleep.  
  
Goku was relieved. The dream didn't haunt him.  
  
The four continued their journey like before. Going to the west to subdue Gyumao. As usual, Goku and Gojyo sat at the back seat while Hakkai and Sanzo sat in front. The day was the usual, Goku and Gojyo fighting, Hakkai smiling, Sanzo threatening them to stop or else. Everything was in placing, none of the unusual approached.  
  
It was then by noon that Goku tired out and rested. Everyone thoroughly enjoyed the peaceful afternoon. Though Gojyo missed their constant fighting.  
  
Gojyo turned to face Goku to tease him, unable to keep silent. When he was about to do so, he saw Goku in deep sleep.  
  
"Oi," Gojyo called out. "Why is the baka saru so damned tried? Did he do anything idiotic?" he asked Hakkai.  
  
Hakkai just shrugged. "Maa ne, every kid needs a rest. Just let him be, Gojyo,"  
  
Sanzo grunted. For the first time in this entire trip, he was enjoying a silent afternoon.  
  
***  
  
*Goku looked around the place he was standing on. It was familiar.  
  
'Masaka~!'  
  
Happening. It was happening again. The dream. The dream is haunting him!  
  
Goku glanced around, searching for the familiar shadow that he once saw in his dream. Now, Goku thought, he would not be so lucky to let me see Sanzo die.  
  
Then there was a thumping sound. It was like a sound of a falling body. Goku's head sharply turned. There, he saw Sanzo lying at the floor.  
  
Goku rushed to him quickly, at the same time wanting to kill that particular shadow that did the damage. Yet, when he kneeled down, the shadow carelessly just dropped the knife to the ground and made his presence known to Goku. Thereupon, he fled. Disappearing through the darkness of the night.  
  
Goku failed. He failed to protect Sanzo again. He failed to save his life for the second time. Goku knelt down by his side, stroking the blood- stricken face of his beloved. Once more, the darkness took away his only light, and he did nothing to prevent it from befalling.  
  
"Iya, iya, iya." Goku started ranting again, wishing that he could make Sanzo come back. *  
  
***  
  
Goku's head was tossing and turning, muttering some kind of words that made Gojyo worry and made him start to shake Goku awake.  
  
There was no response.  
  
"Goku! Oi Goku!" Gojyo shouted. At that moment, Gojyo resorted in slapping the boy's face.  
  
Goku stirred, then bolted upright. "What do you want, kono erro kappa!" Goku insulted, touching his stinging cheek.  
  
"Ahou, baka saru!" Gojyo retorted. "You should be thanking me. You looked like someone who would die in sleep. You were tossing and turning and muttering something. whatever it is! Kono baka saru!"  
  
Goku suddenly felt paralyzed. The dream. It happened again.  
  
"Oi baka saru!" Gojyo was waving his hand in front of Goku when he saw him spacing out.  
  
"What happened to you anyway?" he asked nonchalantly.  
  
Goku shook his head. "Nothing. Just a bad dream,"  
  
***  
  
(Part 3: Reality)  
  
Night came and they were still in the forest. The four of them failed to arrive in the next town in time and had no choice but to camp outside. They found a cave and decided to spend the night there.  
  
Everyone was asleep. Goku was lightened that nobody dared to ask him about his dream, even Hakkai. Either way, he couldn't relate what he saw in that dream even if his life depended on it. It was too personal and telling it would mean spilling his most treasured secret.  
  
Which he wished that it wasn't.  
  
How could he tell that he could die just seeing from a DREAM that Sanzo died? How could he tell that every time that he sees that dream, his whole being just wants to die and follow Sanzo even in hell? It was sad, that his first love happened to be damned from the start. That his love was out of his reach all those times.  
  
He had learned that in a world full of hate and danger, no one is allowed to love. And yet he did. He was weak, letting himself be caught in a whimsical state called love. For him, love wasn't meant to be.  
  
So why is he feeling this way?  
  
Again, like the last time, Goku found a lake, though it was different from the last one. It was beginning to be his habit. Going to places alone, drowning himself in self-pity, then going back to the group, putting on a mask that barricaded his true self. His true self which was in despair. He was being bogus. And all this because he didn't want Sanzo to know. Even if it makes him suffer through so much pain and agony.  
  
//Lately I've been winning battles left and right.//  
  
Goku decided to go back to camp. He cursed himself for being this weak to let himself wallow in self-pity. Without even needing to look where he was going, he made his silent retreat back to where they rested. Somehow, lost in thoughts, he heard a noise. A hushed noise like someone is trying to prevent it. Goku followed the source and it led him in a clearing, just a few yards away from the camp. Goku looked closely, straining his eyes to see the figure, which was silhouetted in the moonlight.  
  
There he saw two bodies, moving in a placid rhythm. Goku still couldn't recognize the silhouettes because of the darkness. What he only saw was the moving of the bodies together, the disgruntled noises they emitted. Goku was getting tired at exerting effort at his eyes, wanting to see who was creating the clamor.  
  
The clouds of the night that covered the moon moved away, letting the light of the brightest object in the sky at night come to use. Goku was relieved; he wouldn't have to exert so much effort now.  
  
He stared directly at the figure and waited for them to come to light.  
  
The moonlight fell over the two life forms. Goku's eyes widened in shock.  
  
There, in the field, was Hakkai and Sanzo, naked down to the last bit of clothing they had in their body. They were the ones who were moving together in that languid, yet placid rhythm, enjoying each other's essences. The ones who made that noise. noises of pleasure.  
  
Goku saw what he shouldn't have. He saw his worst nightmare. He saw the forbidden.  
  
Goku stepped back in horror as his eyes still fixed on watching his two most beloved friends, as Sanzo passionately kissed Hakkai and Hakkai kissed back, tongues dancing in rhythm.  
  
Sanzo moved down Hakkai's neck, then to his chest, then.  
  
Goku stepped back again, then turned around and ran, frustratingly muffling his voice and preventing himself from screaming. Tears came rapidly as he ran faster, away from the camp, away from them all.  
  
***  
//But even winners can get wounded in the fight. //  
  
The next day came, Goku was missing. Hakuryu was fretting like something is going to happen and Hakkai tried to soothe the dragon. Sanzo was getting rather annoyed and Gojyo was starting to get worried.  
  
Hakkai turned to Sanzo and talked. "Maybe we should look for him. He might be in danger,"  
  
Sanzo shrugged. "Do whatever you want," he said in his almost monotone voice.  
  
Gojyo snapped. He couldn't stand Sanzo acting like he didn't give a damn about what happens to Goku. "Why do you act like you don't care, Sanzo- SAMA?" he drawled out, emphasizing the 'sama'. "You are one sick bastard," he continued, he was going to say more when a person emerged from the bushes.  
  
"Mou ii, Gojyo," Goku walked straight and climbed to the jeep Hakuryu completely transformed of. Gojyo was taken aback and so is Hakkai. They worried now, more than ever. Goku looked like death.  
  
"Where were you?" Sanzo demanded. He didn't ask, he just demanded.  
  
Goku brought his knees up his chest and hugged them before answering. "It's none of your business,"  
  
Sanzo was unaffected. "Fine, have it your way,"  
  
The entire trip towards the next village has been made in silence. A terrifying silence. Not one broke it. Even if Gojyo wanted to, he couldn't do it without Goku. Gojyo tried numerous times to get a retort back from the young boy, but all failed. Goku either glanced at him with those pained eyes then looked away or just stared at the ground. Even Hakkai can't bring himself to smile. There was this thick blanket covering them from each other and Sanzo couldn't care less. He just sat there, doing nothing.  
  
They arrived at noon. They entered the small village called 'Mare Tranquillitatis'. Fortunately, there wasn't any effect happening at all.  
  
Sanzo, Hakkai and Gojyo walked side by side. Goku remained at the back. Hakkai noticed the sudden change in attitude in Goku and tried to talk to him.  
  
"Are you hungry, Goku? Would you like to have some meat bun?" Hakkai asked politely.  
  
Goku's eyes remained steady at the ground, willing it to melt. "No. I'm not hungry," he said lowly.  
  
Hakkai tried again. "Would you like to rest then? You must be tired,"  
  
Golden eyes flashed murderously. "Hottoite," he hissed. It wasn't loud enough to be heard by the common people of the village but loud enough to be heard by Gojyo and Sanzo. Both of them turned sharply, minds inclining to the sharpness of the voice that they heard. Simultaneously, Goku chose to run, leaving behind a very surprised Hakkai.  
  
"Hakkai, daijoubu?" Sanzo asked, placing a hand at Hakkai's shoulders.  
  
"Aa," 'Goku.'  
  
***  
  
(Part 4: No lies)  
  
The instance that that incident happened, Goku wanted to kill himself. He shouldn't have done that. Now they would force answers from him.  
  
If only he can die promptly. In spite of the fact that he knew he can't.  
  
Goku slowed down his pace. He was in a forest again, his refuge in a way. He heard a sound of flowing water somewhere and he searched for it. He found it, only it was a river. It wasn't still and unmoving.  
  
'Like I am.'  
  
At this precise moment, he knew the explanation why he preferred a lake to a river. The lake reflects him, still, unmoving, unable to go on with life. While the river, rapid, moving, coping up with life. He wanted to forget what happened, but can't. He is stuck in this past. He can't possibly accept the bare reality. He can perceive that he can't live his life in a fantasy so he has to move on, like the river. He does that, though every time he takes a turn, he ends up being stuck again, unable to advance.  
  
Goku stood at the edge of the riverbank, peering over the clear moving water. He saw his reflection. He looked bad, like the whole world crashed upon him. There was a blurred vision, and then he focused his eyes again to the reflection, only this time, seeing Sanzo instead of him.  
  
Goku directed his head around. Sanzo was there, standing behind him. His usual stoic face on surface.  
  
Instead of talking to Sanzo, Goku's mind drifted back to the event that happened last night. The glistened frame of Hakkai and Sanzo, their bodies in contact, and especially, the smiling face of Sanzo after the burning interaction.  
  
The smile Goku craved he caused.  
  
"Goku," Sanzo's voice brought Goku back. Sanzo always did that. Bringing him back to life even if Sanzo already had his life. And killed him.  
  
//People say that I'm amazing, I'm strong beyond my years.//  
  
"Goku," Sanzo called again. "Don't ever run away like that," he demanded. Again.  
  
Goku snorted. "Who're you to command me? You don't own my life," 'I say that, yet, it is a lie', Goku added mentally.  
  
For the first time, Sanzo had nothing to say.  
  
There was another one of that pause. A void of silence.  
  
"Goku, what," Sanzo can't seem to find the correct words. "--Happened to you?" Sanzo asked, this time, voice is full of concern for the younger boy.  
  
"Dekinai,"  
  
"Nani?" 'What in the hell is he talking about?'  
  
"Dekinai yo," Goku mumbled out.  
  
Sanzo kneeled and forced Goku to face him. Sanzo lifted Goku's face and stared at those golden orbs.  
  
He saw pain, aggression, agony, that much that he doubted Goku can ever keep. Sanzo cannot describe it. A mixed feeling of confusion and a huge amount of loneliness poured out of those eyes.  
  
//But they don't see inside of me, I'm hiding all the tears.//  
  
Goku jerked away. "No matter---no matter what I do, I can't--let go of my sun,"  
  
"Goku."  
  
"I can't give his light to someone else. I can't let him leave me. I--I can't forget him,"  
  
Goku laughed through tears. "Do you know that he let me out of my dark prison and showed me light for the first time? Do you know that he was the one who gives me happiness? Do YOU know that he is the only reason why I was willing to survive?" Goku half-shouted; half-whispered to Sanzo who was too stunned to react. He hadn't expected this much anger from the boy whom he considered a monkey.  
  
"And did you know that the one who gave me light was also the one who took that light?" Goku continued in a hushed whisper. "My sun was," A pause "My sun was you," Eyes was boring through him, blaming him for all.  
  
"And you took my only hope, my only salvation away," he finished.  
  
Sanzo tried to hug Goku, wanting to comfort him. He finally understood what he was talking about. He had been too blind to see that the only warmth that Goku had been clinging on was taken away by him. He opened his arms to hug Goku but Goku stood away.  
  
"Don't touch me," there was insecurity in his voice, some kind of danger that can't be missed. Sanzo's stance became tense. What can he do? He had been so insensitive to the world around him. He had been insensitive to Goku. He granted Goku the freedom to do anything he wanted, but he didn't see that he still wasn't free.  
  
Sanzo held his heart in his hands. Goku gave it to him.  
  
And he didn't know.  
  
'Baka yarou,' Sanzo cursed himself. Not only because he had been insensitive but also because of his stupidity. He was too preoccupied at his only personal pleasure.  
  
Sanzo was startled when Goku stood up. "Don't worry," Goku started. "I won't be as blind as you are. Hakkai's my friend too. I know he can take care of you," With that, Goku returned to the village, along with Sanzo who was following him.  
  
The journey went on with unexpected loneliness. Without Goku knowing, the dream came true after all, a different twist.  
  
Days passed by filled with remorse. Everyone was fed up at his own incapability to return the journey back to what it was before. Happy, full of laughs and anger, and absolutely loud. In contrast to that, everything was now the opposite. Gojyo hadn't expected that having Goku silent have so much impact on them all. It was like; Goku was the whole life of that trip.  
  
"I'm sorry." Sanzo murmured to exactly no one but to Goku who didn't hear.  
  
//They don't know, that I'd come running home when I fall down,  
  
They don't know, who picks me up when no one is around,  
  
I drop my sword and cry for just a while.  
  
Cause deep inside this armor,  
  
The warrior is a child.//  
  
-Owari-  
  
Notes: I wanted this to have a happy ending but as the story keeps on advancing, I find myself unable to make this end with a happy one. I tried, really, I even started to add some more parts and tried to end the fic with a Goku/Kougaiji pairing, though, it will last longer and I can't do much already.  
  
I have been too cruel to Goku. At first, I planned a Sanzo/Goku pairing, not a Sanzo/Hakkai one. The plot was like this: Goku feels aghast because of a dream, Sanzo notices and lo! A happy ending! I also wanted to hurt Goku, but I didn't think that I'd hurt him that much. *Points* I love Goku, no doubt, and I'm sorry that it turned that way for him. I'll try to make it up to him.  
  
And if you noticed, I made Gojyo worry about Goku's sake so that it wouldn't be that much cruelty to Goku. But still, I'm sorry for all Goku fans!  
  
*Indicates the dream  
  
//indicates the song lyrics  
  
Dekinai- I can't do it  
  
Hottoite- leave me alone  
  
Please, R&R  
  
Characters used are all not mine. They are the property of their respective owners and creators. But the story above entitled 'My Sun' is an exclusive property that shouldn't be posted anywhere without the author's permission. It is a copyrighted work of Cimmerian Demogorgon. I do not make any profit from it and all are for the purpose of pure entertainment. Song Lyrics came from the song 'The Warrior Is A Child'  
  
Standard disclaimers apply. 


End file.
